Friday, November 4, 2016


A few years ago I took the second most memorable nap of my life. This was pre-parenthood, so naps were a thing that still existed in my world and since I suffer from insomnia I'm never one to turn down sleep when the opportunity presents itself.

I put on my most comfy jammies, fluffed up the pillows, and climbed under the blankets. The room was a nice, cool temperature. Everything was quiet. It was perfect. I drifted off into a tranquil slumber, knowing it might be days before I was able to properly fall asleep again.

I awoke only a few minutes later to something cold and wet being pressed against my lips, causing me to howl like I had been stabbed by serial killer. I jerked awake and sat up screaming, convinced I was dying in some horrible way.

Fortunately I was completely safe.

Unfortunately I scared the shit out of the cat after he had jumped up in the bed and pressed his cold little nose against my lips. I screamed. He screamed. We both jumped. I sat and blinked several times, breathing slowly to calm my nerves which were jangling like a telephone in an old-timey cartoon. The cat moved to the foot of the bed and fell asleep immediately because he wanted to rub his ability to fall asleep instantly in my face for screaming at him like a crazy bitch when all he wanted was to love me.

After a quick glance at the clock I figured out I had managed to sleep for approximately 6 minutes.

I can hear you thinking - a six minute nap that ends with screaming and an angry cat? How can that be your SECOND most memorable nap? Because my most memorable nap happened a year or two later.

I was snuggled into the bed and completely covered in animals. I had two cats and a dog at the time and they all seemed to think that sleep was only possible if they were touching me. My husband is allowed to sleep unmolested but I am forced to be buried under a blanket of fur at night and if I try to move them away or make them sleep in another room they scream like they're being haunted by ghosts that attack them with electric shocks.

As I slept I dreamed of a huge lumberjack murderer. He was wearing red flannel and slowly walking towards me while revving a chainsaw over and over again. He said, "I have only one chainsaw!" and waived it about, the noise getting louder and louder. When I woke up I felt our french bulldog snuggled against me on my pillow, snoring loudly right next to my ear.

Yep, that's right, I turned animal snores into a murderous, chainsaw-wielding killer.

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